On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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