i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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