Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
