Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I enjoy the company of your penis
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
