Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize