8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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