thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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