Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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