My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
