When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
