i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
