Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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