I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
