I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
