you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
