I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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