hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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