Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
