Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize