M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
