Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
