That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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