i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
