I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
