Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
