she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
