i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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