I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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