I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I am midnight drunk by noon
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize