I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
