i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
