I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
