One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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