You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
