I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
