I cannot find my penis.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
