twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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