one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize