Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
