Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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