don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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