Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize