Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
