he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
