we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
