atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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