party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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