I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize