why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
