i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
