Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
