Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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