I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
