I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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