You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
