the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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