I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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