I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
