I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
