I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
