So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
