well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
