Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
