last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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