it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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