you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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