So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
