I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
