3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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