my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
